If I Go
by nicki99
Summary: On Clary's twentieth birthday things seemed to go so well. How could it end in tragedy? Rated T for death of character.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello Darlings! I suddenly had an idea for a story and this was the result. Pretty depressing, horrible one-shot. Enjoy!**

I stare in horror at the unbelievably tight dress that Izzy has laid out for me.

"Izzy! I can't wear this!" I exclaim. She just waves her hand dismissively.

"Oh sure you can. I wore it last year, and I didn't even need help zipping it up," She smiles brightly.

"I didn't mean my physical inability, I meant that I don't want to go to the club looking like a stripper," She rolls her eyes at me.

"Clary, you're about to be 20 years old. You need to let go of your teenage self." I shake my head.

"Is there any chance that you'll let me wear anything else?"

"Nope!"

I stare at my reflection. I am dressed in a tight, black dress with lace and red accents. My hair is in loose, soft curls instead of its usual state of extreme curly-ness. I am wearing foundation, blush, eyeliner and mascara. My eyelids are covered in a smoky, dramatic eyeshadow. My lips are a deep red, the same colour as the accents on the dress. On my feet are a pair of high, black heels. I smile at my reflection. I look pretty.

"Izzy! I love it!" I squeal. She walks up behind me.

"I know! I'm so proud of you! You are going to turn 20 with style." I turn around and hug her.

"Thank you so much!" She smirks at me.

"Jace isn't going to know what hit him." I smile.

"Clary! Hurry up. We have to leave!" It's Jace whose voice echoes through the halls. I sigh deeply.

"I have to tell you something." She raises her eyebrows.

"Well spit it out! I don't have all day." I breathe out.

"I think I might be pregnant!" I blurt out. She places her hand over her mouth.

"Oh my god. Does Jace know?" I shake my head. She hugs me tightly, and we stay like that for a while.

"Have you taken a test?" I let her go and I nod. She raises one eyebrow at me.

"Well? Was it positive?" I sigh. I walk to my bag and pick up the test, careful not to look at the result.

"I haven't looked at it yet. I don't want to be 19 and pregnant. But being 20 and pregnant is much better." She furrows her eyebrows in confusion.

"Will you look at it? For me? Then, when I've turned 20, you can tell me the result." I look at her pleadingly. She sighs.

"Fine, I'll look at it! And then, when you've turned 20, I'll tell you. Okay?" I nod.

"Thank you." She just smiles. I hand her the test, and she takes a quick glance at it and then she throws it in the trashcan.

"Okay. Now let's knock 'em dead, Fray!"

As soon as I see Jace my face breaks into a wide grin. He just stares at me. I walk up to him.

"You look, wow." He stutters. I laugh.

"Thank you. You too." He leans down and kisses me, and I eagerly kiss him back. I hear someone clear their throat. I turn around and glare at Alec. Jace smirks.

"I'm sorry Alec, did you want some too?" Alec just rolls his eyes at him.

"Well, let's get going then!" Izzy chirps. She has her whip up her arm and Jace and Alec are grabbing their Steles.

"No weapons!" I say. They just stare at me.

"What?" Jace asks, looking baffled.

"We're not going to Pandemonium. We are not going out to hunt demons. Therefore, I say no weapons allowed!" I say.

"But it can't hurt to bring some," Alec points out. The others nod vigorously.

"I want to have a normal twentieth birthday, okay? I don't want you to bring weapons, because when you do you always go looking for danger!"

"Clary, it's just a precaution, okay? No-one here will be looking for danger." Izzy says softly.

"No! It's _my_ birthday, and I say no weapons!" They all look at me, defeated.

"Fine! No weapons." Jace says. I give him a look of gratitude. He kisses me softly.

"Anything for my Angel." He murmurs softly against my cheek.

We get to the club where the line to the entrance curves around the building.

"I got this." Izzy says. She walks up to the guard and whispers a few words into his ear. He nods and lets us through.

Inside the club the air is thick and warm, and it smells of sweat and alcohol. In any other place the smell would be enough to make me want to vomit, but here it smells good.

"Clary, come with us. We have a surprise for you!" Izzy chirps happily. She grabs my hand and leads me through the mass of people. She places a hand over my eyes and leads me the last way without letting me see. She opens a door, and she releases my face. I am in a room, with my mom, Luke and a handful of people I vaguely recognise. I immediately run up and throw myself in Jocelyn's arms. She hugs me tightly.

"Happy birthday, sweetheart," She whispers quietly in my ear. I smile. Next, I give Luke a quick hug.

I spot Simon, Maia and Aline and walk up to them. They all hug me.

"Happy Birthday!" Maia says enthusiastically.

"It's not my birthday yet." I point out. Simon looks at his watch.

"It will be in about two hours." I nod ironically at him.

"You are so smart!" I say as if I'm talking to a baby. He just mutters 'Shut up' before walking over to Isabelle.

"Clary! We have a gift for you!" Aline chirps. She hands me a bag from Sephora. I open it to find a small bottle of perfume, a facial cream and a toner.

"Aww, you shouldn't have! Thank you." They launch into a discussion about whether Chanel or Marc Jacobs perfumes are better. I excuse myself and I walk over to Jocelyn.

"Hi honey. I have a gift for you!" She grins. I pout.

"You too?" I ask jokingly. She laughs and pulls out a large, flat package wrapped in bright pink paper from a bag. I start unwrapping it. It is, as I expected, a painting. Of me. I stare at it. My skin is fair and smooth and I am wearing a white gown that makes my eyes stand out. It's beautiful,

"Thank you! It's beautiful." My eyes actually start to water before someone taps on my shoulder. I turn around and I see Jace.

"May I borrow her for a minute, Mrs. Fray?" Jocelyn nods. He grabs me around my waist and leads me away from the people, to a small corner. He takes out a small chain from his pocket. It's a bracelet, with a thin white gold chain and four small charms on it. I take it in my hand and look at it. One of the charms is an Iratze. The second one is a small J, and the third one is a small C. The fourth one is a golden rose. I feel a tear slip down my cheek.

"Thank you. It's beautiful." He smiles and helps me put it on.

"Well," He says, kissing my cheek. "Like girlfriend like bracelet." I laugh a short laugh. Suddenly I remember the possible baby in my stomach, and suddenly the room is too crowded and Jace's stare is too deep.

"I just need to get some air." I say, heading for a back door I know leads to an alley behind the club. Jace grabs my hand.

"You want me to come with you?" I shake my head.

"That's okay. You stay here. I love you," I give him a quick peck on his lips.

"I love you too."

I step outside in the warm air. I take deep breaths, trying to calm myself.

"Give me your money!" I whip around. I see a boy with a worn out hoodie and a pair of jeans. But what catches my attention is the gun in his hands. He is shaking.

"Give it!" I raise my hands slightly to show him I won't try anything.

"I don't have any on me." I say truthfully. My voice is steady, but I am trembling with fear. His finger is on the trigger. A small twitch from him could end my life.

"Now!" I start panicking.

"I don't have any!" Then, a loud bang echoes off the walls of the alley. He drops the gun and runs away, and I stagger, leaning against the brick walls. My hand goes to my stomach, and it comes away slick with blood. I sink down on the ground, praying that someone will find me. Jace, Isabelle, Jocelyn, Alec, Simon. _Anyone_.

When I found out I was a shadow hunter I imagined I'd die in a fight, giving up my life for the greater good. Not like this. Not with a bullet buried deep inside me, all alone in the alley behind a club. My breaths are shallow and all I can think of is the possible baby in my stomach, who won't live to see the world. I hear a door open, and then I hear a scream. Suddenly I see Izzy's face swimming before my eyes.

"Clary? Clary can you hear me? Clary!" She places a hand on my stomach, and she gasps when I groan from the pain.

"Jace! Alec! Come here! Hurry!" She starts crying. "You'll be okay, you're going to be fine." She assures me. I feel my breaths becoming more and more shallow.

"No, Clary! You can't die. You _can't_. You know why? Because you're going to be a mother. The test was positive. I know you'll be a great mother, all you have to do is not die, please Clary stay with me…" I think I smile then, imagining myself and Jace as parents. That's when I hear him. His voice. Jace.

"Clary! Oh my god! Clary!" He quickly kneels in front of me. "Come on Clary, hang in there. You'll be alright. Alec! Draw an Iratze on her!" He has tears in his eyes. I can see how scared he is. "Alec! Now!" Then he starts stroking my hair, murmuring about how much he loves me and telling me to hang in there, that Alec will make it all better.

"I don't have my stele. None of us do." Alec says quietly. At least that's what I think he's saying, because I am light-headed and dizzy, feeling like I could pass out any second. And then everything starts becoming darker.

I can feel death closing in, but I want to stay. I don't want to leave them. I don't want to leave Jace, or Isabelle or Simon or Alec or _anyone_. I've never been afraid of death, because I've always known that it is a part of life, but now, with it only seconds away I am more terrified than I have ever been before. And all I can think as my mind starts going dark is that

I, Clary Fray, do not want to die. Neither does Jace, or Alec or mom Isabelle. They don't want me to die either. I don't want to die. I knew I would sooner or later, but I guess that sooner was it.

But I wish it had been later.

Jace Pov

I feel her body going limp in my arms.

"No. No no no no, you don't get to die okay? Please Clary please come back I can't live without you…" And soon all my coherent thoughts are gone and all I can think is she's gone she's gone she's gone and I don't want to believe it, and I place my ear against her chest, and instead of the steady _thump thump thump_ of her heart there is nothing but silence. That's when I start crying. And my head is just spinning and all I can think is not like this not like this.

None of it was supposed to be like this.

 **Sooo that's it! I hope you liked it! Reviews are always appreciated, good or bad, long or short, fat or thin just send em in! (That wasn't even supposed to rhyme) I hoped you enjoyed this story, even though it was kind of awful and sad. I hope you liked it, I might add a few more chapters to this. We'll see.**

 **Until then:**

 **XOXO**

 **-Nicki**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here is chapter two! I know it's been a while, oh well. Enjoy!**

I close my eyes. When I close them I can see her, bright and happy and beautiful, like she was a few minutes before she died. When my eyes are closed I can pretend that none of it was real. I can pretend that she is alive, and that I will see her like that again. But I can't. I can't see her, because she is _dead_. Naturally, I wanted to go after the person who did it. But Alec had held me back.

"They're not worth it." They're not worth it, as if Clary had been a random flirt at a party who I didn't care for. As if she had been worthless. I feel a few tears run down my cheeks. I take a shaky breath.

I want to be strong, for her. I want to be able to move on with my life, because she would have wanted me to. But I can't. Because even leaving my room to go to the bathroom brings back memories, and they make seem all too real.

Someone knocks on the door, and I assume that it's Isaballe because she is the only one who has tried to talk with me.

"Jace!" I can hear the grief in her voice. It's like a heavy, dull grey mat has lowered itself onto the very existence at institute. Every word is plagued by it. Instead of her usual chirpy voice, Isabelle sounds like a heavy sigh.

"Jace!" She calls again, from the other side of the door. I remain quiet. I hear a click, and then the door opens. I refuse to look at her. She places a hand on my shoulder, and I immediately shrug it off.

"Come on Jace. Come with me to the kitchen. Eat something." I shake my head.

"Jace _please!_ " I can hear the desperation in her voice.

"No." My voice is rough and hoarse, since I haven't talked since it happened.

"Why, Jace? What gives you the right to sit here and grieve in silence while I have to work my ass off to keep this family from crumbling apart?" I stand up, and I turn around to face her. She looks skinnier, and her eyes have lost their usual spark.

"Because I _can't,_ Isabelle. I can't walk around these halls, because I see her face everywhere I go! It's not that I don't want to, it's that I _can't_."

"And you think I do? I can't either, Jace. Do you think I can walk past her room without thinking of every time I saw her sitting there? I can't walk these halls without thinking of her either. This isn't about being able to, this is about having to. This is about family loyalty, because without you, this family falls apart." She has tears in her eyes now, and she sniffles loudly.

"And you're not dealing with this, Jace. You can't lock yourself in here and pretend that she never existed. Because I know she wouldn't want you to throw away the rest of your life like she didn't even _matter_ to you!" I stare at her, feeling as if she just punched me in the face. She turns around, walking towards the hallway. She turns around just as she reaches the door.

"This is real Jace, okay? This is happening. I'll be in my room if you want to talk." And with that she slams the door and leaves.

Isabelle POV

I slam the door behind me shut. I wipe the tears from my eyes, and I start walking. I can feel the rage that has been building up inside of me pushing to get out. I'm so angry. I'm angry at Jace, for not even making an effort. I'm angry at Alec for disappearing every time I want to talk. I'm angry at mom and dad for letting them get away with it. I'm angry at Simon for not returning my calls. I'm even angry at Clary, because she laid the burden of her pregnancy on me.

But mostly, I'm angry at myself. Angry at myself because I didn't bring my stele. Angry at myself for letting her go into that alley. Angry at myself for not being able to make a decision on whether I should tell Jace about the baby or not.

I realise that my feet have carried me to Clary's room. The door is slightly ajar, and I push the door open. The room looks exactly like it did the last time I was here, three days ago, helping Clary get dressed for the party. The makeup is still on the desk, and there is a ruffle on the bedspread where she sat as I was curling her hair. It feels eerie, knowing that the girl who used to call this place home is now lying in a freezer, with a name tag around her toe (Jocelyn insisted that Clary was to be buried like a Mundane, for reasons unkown.) It feels like there is an invisible barrier keeping me from entering the room. Suddenly I see her garbage can, and I see the small pregnancy test inside. The rage I've been holding on to takes control of me. Angry tears are blurring my vision. I walk into her room and I pick the test from the garbage. The battery is dead, so the display is blank. I throw the pregnancy test at the ground, and I step on it, making it crack in various places. This little piece of plastic made everything harder. If she had waited one more day I wouldn't have had this burden on my shoulders. In a last act of rage I open the window and I throw it out. I press my back against the wall, suddenly exhausted. I sink to the ground, and I start crying. Tears are running down my face and loud sobs rip themselves from my body.

I like to think of myself as strong, a girl who can take care of herself. But I have never felt weaker. Right now, I'm not a shadowhunter. I'm a girl who has lost her best friend. I want someone to hold me, to tell me that everything will be fine, even though they know it won't. I want my brothers to treat me like their little sister, and I want Simon to comfort me. But most of all, I want Clary. I want my best friend back. I sniffle loudly.

"Oh Clary," I whisper quietly. "What am I going to do?"

 **A/N: Sooo I hope you liked it! I might add another chapter who knows that's the fun. Hope your lives are going well. Until next time,**

 **XOXO**

 **-Nicki**


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